PS 3545 
.Y75 S5 
1917 
Copy 1 




TALKS 













MADELINE YALE AX^YNNE 
GLUYAS WILLIAMS 




Class '" > S.S'iS 

Book.. : ' ^ ^ S 



Gopigfit'N 



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iii; 



COFiRIGHT DEPOSm 



SI BRIGGS 
TALKS 

MADELINE YALE WYNNE 
GLUYAS WILLLU^S 




HOUGHTON MIFFLIN CO. 






COPYRIGHT, 1917, BY MADELINE YALE WYNNE 
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



Published - Aprii tqiy 



/ 2-^ 



m 17 1917 

©C1,A460894 



CONTENTS 




Charity 


1 


ScRUGGs's Wife 


3 


Witch-Tail Coat .... 


. 7 


Worked too hard . 


9 


Spilling the Deacon . 


. 11 


Politics 


13 


Sweet-Corn 


. 15 


Jake Baggs .... 


17 


Now OR NEVER .... 


. 19 


Lax 


21 


A Good Crop .... 


. 23 


A Moderate Woman ... 


25 


. . . and her Brother . 


. 27 


A Peace Pipe .... 


29 


The Worm and the Weed . 


. 31 


Phin Kibbey's Hawg 


35 


His Tone 


. 37 


An All-Round Man. 


39 


Uncle Sid 


. 41 


Aunt Spiddy's Contrivance . 


43 


The Black-List .... 


. 45 



[ V ] 



It took the Trick .... 47 

The Fool, the Voice, and the Hoe . 49 

Felt to Hum 51 

Keerless 53 

Music and Science . . . .55 

Jest Set 59 

Preparedness 61 

Ain't that is 63 

Mercy Buntin' 65 

Infidelity 67 

The Pessimist 69 

Consolation 71 



SI BRIGGS TALKS 







CHARITY 

Old Miss Stark is one of them that prides 

themselves 
Upon their charity. 
One day 
I heard her say 
To Mis' Scruggs: 
*'I quite agree with you, 
It's only fair to gave each one their due; 
And mebbe Miss Crawley is 
As sick as she thinks she is, 
But I know she thinks she is 
Fully as sick as she is." 




[ 1 ] 




SCRUGGS'S WIFE 

There was a slue of them Second Adventists 
Lived over to Hemlock Holler, a while back; 
And one day they got word to prepare, 
For the app'inted time had come to be took 
up to heaven. 

So they all dressed up in white 

Ascension robes that night, 
And trooped up to the top of Bald Hill, 
Singin' and prayin' all the way. 
Scruggs's wife was one on 'em. 

He jest let her have her head. 

And he went oflf to bed. 
The transmogrification did n't come on time, 



[ 3 ] 



And they got kinder cold and discouraged; 

For their heavenly clo's was n't exactly suit- 
able 

For the season, round in these parts, 

And finally they come home mighty quiet. 
Mis' Scruggs she tried the door, 
But it was locked, and what is more 

The pantry winder was nailed up. 
Scruggs he seen to it that night. 
That everything was locked up tight. 

I guess he chuckled some when he done it. 
Bimeby she hollered under his winder to see 
If she could wake him up, but he 
Slep' as sound as a possum up a tree. 

She hollered and hollered. 

And finally he put his head out o' the winder. 

And says he, sort of wonderin' like, but se- 
vere, 

" Who be you, knockin' at the door at this 
unairthly hour?" 

**Why, Orrin," says she, "I'm your wife, let 
me in!" 

"Wretched woman! Abandoned female!" says 
he, 

"Go away, go away! I have n't got any wife; 



[ 4 ] 



She was took up to heaven 

When the clock struck twelve at midnight. Go 



away, go away 



And he shet the winder and went back to 
bed. 

I've heard it said 
She never went to no more ascensions. 
It broke her of the habit. 
I allers admired Scruggs. 




[ 5 ] 







Ir'r 



WW 



WITCH-TAIL COAT 

You don't say so — 

Never heered of a witch-tail coat! 

WaU, I'll tell you. 

Ef you see an old widower, all spruced up, 

A-hangin' round the door of a widder's house. 
Sort of dubious-like 'bout goin' in, 
You watch; and ef he's got a silly grin 

On his face, you may take it. 

That he 's got on his witch-tail coat. 




[ 7 ] 




'^-■5 



WORKED TOO HARD 

I PROPHESIED them Jones boys would fail up, 
And they have, I knew they would. 
They did n't go at farmin' the right way, 
nohow. 

They worked too hard; they made hay 
Jest as if they did n't never 

'Xpect to have 'nother sunny day. 
They 'd ought to have set in the shade, 
Sometimes, and figgered things out. 

I often give 'em a hint, 

As how they'd orter stint 
On buyin' so many fancy farmin' machines: 

"Don't buy," says I. 
"Gotto have 'em" says they. 

"Why?" says I, 



C 9 ] 



"Can't you borry, 

Same as the rest of us does? 
You'll be sorry 

Ef you do buy." Then they'd laugh. 

*'Glad you're so rich," says I. 

And that was the end on 't. 

You can't run t'other man's farm, 
You only make him mad and do harm. 

They was bound to fail up, anyhow — 

They worked too hard. 




[ 10 ] 




SPILLING THE DEACON 

I WAS standin' as clus as this to the road, 
When I see the Deacon and his wife 
Comin' along in that old yaller sleigh of his'n. 
Just then the Deacon's off runner cut into the 

crust, 
And the cutter went over neat as a pin ; 
The slickest thing I ever see. The Deacon, 
He picked himself up, and picked up his wife, 
And then he turned and watched the old hoss 

A-careerin' off over the snow. 
And he jest said, sort of meditatin' like to him- 
self: 
"Restless sperrit! restless sperrit! See her 







[ 11 ] 




POLITICS 

Old man Burr is bald 

'Cept for a few white Brussels, 

And his head is as pink 
As a baby's; looks jest like a clean pig. 
When he has to think, 
Which ain't often, he polishes his old pate 
With a bandanner. Most on us has to dig 
Up our idees, he seems to scour his'n up. 

We was waitin' for 'lection returns, late, 
Down to the tavern t'other night. 
And when we heered New York had went 

Republican, 
We let out a yell. I seen old Burr 
Was a-rubbin' up an idee, so I called out: 



[ 13 ] 



" Quit your noise. 
You fool boys, 
Give Burr a chanst!" 
He was a-polishin' up his head to beat the 

band; 
He could n't hardly open his mouth, he was 

so busy. 
Finally he made out to say, 
"What / want to know is, 
How Baptist Four Corners has went!" 




[ 14 ] 



-^3^ 




SWEET-CORN 

Old Squire Bowen is gen'rally considered 
a sharp man; 
But one day he and I was talkin' 
'Bout how to break a hoss of balkin', 
When we see old Mis' Big'low sneak 
Outer his sweet-corn patch 
With her apron full of ears. 

I s'posed he'd speak 
To her 'bout it, but he only turned 
The other way, kinder shame-faced. 



[ ir> ] 



*'Why don't you go and ketch her at it?" 
says I. 
"I'druther 

Go round t'other 
Side of the barn. Gosh!" says he, 
**I do hate to see an old woman steal." 




,(yin^i|^>^- 



[ 16 ] 




JAKE BAGGS 

Everybody likes Jake: 
He drives stage down Baptist Four Corners 

way; 
And he '11 deliver goods free gratis for nothing 
for a friend, 
From a bunnit-box to a rake. 
And he never makes a mistake. 
He knows all about folks, 
More 'n most folks knows about themselves. 
But he ain't a-tellin' all he knows. 
Not by a long sight. 

He 's a great hand for jokes. 
Even if they 're on himself. 

He had an altercation, t'other day. 
About a fare that was owin', 
And the man would n't pay — 



[ 17 ] 



That 's the way some folks is made — 
And Jake lost out. 

He grinned when he tole me, and says he, 

Slappin' his knee; 

*'It's wuth seventy-five cents to me 
Jest to know what I think of that feller." 
I thought myself 't was cheap at the price. 




[ 18 ] 







NOW OR NEVER 

Deacon Pease's wife is pizen neat, 

She makes the Deacon wipe his feet 
For half an hour on the mat 
'Fore she '11 let him so much as set foot in the 
kitchen. 
I call that 
Too much, I 'd never stan' for it. 

One day I heered her callin' 

To him: he was haulin' 
Hay into the barn; 

And the sun was hotter 'n blazes. 

Now there's nothin' in the world that fazes 
A man so much as to have to quit a job 
Jest as he 's puttin' in the last licks. 

She called out " D-e-a-c-o-n, dinner 's ready." 
*'A11 right," says he, — "Steady 



[ 19 ] 



There!" says he to his hoss, — "in a minute, 

Sarah." 
*'N-o-w or n-e-v-e-r, Deacon," says she, 
And he come right in meek as a lamb. 
I guess his shoulders is fitted to the yoke 

All right. 

But it might 
Be jest as well for her 'tarnal salvation 
If she got her come-up-ance 
Once in a while. 




[ 20 ] 




LAX 

Got a new preacher over to the White 

Church. The Deacon don't like him a mite; 
Says he's lax on 
Damnation and dancin'. 

Ef there 's anything the Deacon 
Hates it 's dancin' 
And he fairly smacks his lips over damnation. 

He won't never weaken 
On that. So he set through the fust sermon 
Stiff as a ram-rod. 

Comin' out, he says to me, "Si," says he, 
"That sermon was simply sacreeligious — 
Wuss 'n that, 
'T was rec?iA;ulus." 




:?U^ 



[ 21 ] 




A GOOD CROP 

Yes, we've got as good a crop 
Of old maids, as any town 
In the western part of the state. 

You might rightly say we are the top- 
Notch as to old maids; 
Though I say it who should n't, 
Not bein' a married man myself. 

And I'm not braggin', 

Nor raggin', 

When I say they're the best ever; 
Best sort and most on 'em clever. 
Not too many; jest enough. 
Now, as you most likely know. 
There's old maids and old maids. 



(To say nothin' of spinsters. 

They're different). 

Old maids are jest as happy as other folks. 

Once they quit strugglin'. 

Spinsters never had no struggle, 

They was jest born so. 




[ 24 ] 




A MODERATE WOMAN . . . 

Almon Hubbel's wife is a very moderate 

woman — 
The kind I like. 
She don't particularly care 
For Almon's half-sister, Maria. 
She said to me one day, 
Just after Maria had went out 

Mad, and had shet the door hard; 
Says she slowly, 
Turnin' the doughnuts with a fork, carefully. 

In the bilin' lard : 
**jE/ I live, and keep my eyesight, 
I shan't think the time long ef I never see her 
ag'in." 



[ 25 ] 



It made me laugh, 'cause she might 

Have put it a sight 
Stronger, and still been moderate. 
Ever see Maria? 




[ 26 ] 




. . . AND HER BROTHER 

Jonas Stark was tipped clean over, 

With a load 

Of hay on top. There wa'n't a mite of Jonas 
showed. 
They had to fork off all the hay. 

And pick him up, and dust 

Him off, and he was the wust 
Lookin' specimen you ever see. 

They stood him up onto his legs, 

Handlin' him like he was eggs: 
*'Be you hurt much, Jonas?" says Xanson. 
"Wall," says Jonas, kinder thoughtful, "I 

dunno as it done me no good." 
His arm was broke. 




[ 27 ] 




A PEACE PIPE 

My brother Rufus had a Httle property left 
him, 
And he was considered a first-rate catch. 
He got married. 
I took my choice 

And settled down to be an old batch. 
(I like it better as a stiddy diet.) 
Rufe, he comes over here often of an evenin' 
To smoke in peace and quiet; 
And it 'pears 
Accordin' to his figgerin' 
That 't ain't so much what his wife says^ 
That makes him tired, 

But it's the sound of her voice 
In his ears. 




[ 29 ] 




THE WEED AND THE WORM 

Deacon Hubbel is a godly man; 

He preaches sometimes in the Orthodox 

Church, 
When we are out of a minister. 
You kin allers count on a first-rate sermon 
When he gits to callin' for vengeance on the 

onrighteous, 
'Specially when they are neighbors. 
All the same, 
It's rather a ticklish game. 

One day he b'iled over and named names in 
Meetin'. "The onrighteous are gittin' 
bold in their sin," 
Says he. '* Josiah Ray 
Has been seen a-workin' 
On the Sabbath Day." 



[ 31 ] 



Simon Flint was to meetin', and bein' a 

righteous 
Man himself, he went right over to Ray's and 

says to him: 
*'Mr. Ray," says he, "I hear as how you have 

been seen 
Workin' on the Sabbath Day." 
"Who says that?" says Josiah, gittin' red 
In the face. "Deacon Hubbel, he seen you, 

so he said." 

*'He never seen me! 

I'd like to know when and where!" 

Says Ray, "And furthermore," says he, 
"I know when he seen me; 
He was a-workin' on Sunday, himself, 
In his onion-bed, I seen him. 
Now, mind you, I don't say but how I might 

have been 
Walkin' through my tobacker patch, 
But I wa'n't a-workin' ; 'course. 
If I come across a worm 
A-devourin' a tobacker leaf, 
I might uv flicked him off; 
But I wa'n't a-workin' on the Sabbath Day. 



[ 32 ] 



But Deacon Hubbel he was a-workin' : he was 
weedin', 

I seen him at it, he was a-weedin' his onion- 
bed." 

Simon Flint, bein' a searcher after truth. 

Went straight back to Deacon Hubbel. 
"Deacon," says he, 

" Ray says he wa'n't a-workin' on the Sabbath, 

But he seen you a-weedin' in your onion- 
bed." 

"I wa'n't a-weedin'," says Hubbel, "I never 
did! 

He might have seen me walkin' in my onion- 
bed, 
And if I see a weed or two 
As I was passin' through 

I might have stooped and snaked 'em out. 

But he never in the world seen me workin' 

On the Holy Sabbath Day, never, 

I declare for 't!" 

When Simon Flint told me this 

He shook his head 

And said, 
"I've often tried 



[ 33 ] 



But never yet have seed 
The difference between 
A-flickin' off a worm. 

And a-snakin' out a weed." 




[ 34 ] 




PHIN KIBBEY'S HAWG 

Phin Kibbey 's got a sick hawg 

Over to his place; 

Hair 's p'intin' straight to his eyes. 

Eyes p'intin' straight to hell; 

Kibbey says the durn critter '1 prob'ly die. 




[ 35 ] 




HIS TONE 

The Deacon don't use strong language, as a 

rule, 
But one day lately I caught him mighty nigh 

it. 
Not that it mattered much to me; 
For I don't care, 
I swear 
Myself, sometimes. But then I'm not a 

Deacon. 
He was washin' his sheep, down to the shallers; 

And he'd had a turrible tussle 
With one old ram of his'n. 

It took all his muscle 
To hold him. The Deacon was up to his middle 

in water, 
And none too stiddy on his feet. 



[ 37 ] 



I could see him gittin' madder and madder, 
And the old ram on his hind legs a-buttin' and 

a-buntin' 'im. 
Bimeby the Deacon ketched a-holt of the 

rantankerous critter 
By the scruff of the neck, and shook him fit to 

kill. 
And says he, kinder bitter, between his teeth, 
"You old woolly creetur, you! 
You old woolly creetur, I'll larn ye 
There's a God in Israel!" 
He was rarin' tearin' 

Mad, and it did sound considerable like 
swearin'. 
But come to say the words over ag'in, 
They was harmless enough in themselves. 
The cuss was in the tone, I guess. 



[ 38 ] 




AN ALL-ROUND MAN 

I WAS over to the Library t'other day, 
Hangin' round for Sam Bates to close up. 

He 's Librarian, you know. 

I wanted him to come over and show 
Me what 's the matter with one of my clocks. 
He knocks 
Spots out of any one alive. 
In the tinkerin' line. 
He 's an all-round man ; that 's why 
They 'p'inted him Librarian. 

A woman come in jest then to look 

For some kind of a book 
About nights, she said. 



[ 39 ] 



So Bates he handed her out the ARABIAN 
NIGHTS. 

She sort of smiled, and said, "Not nights but 

knights," 
Spelhn' it out, k-n-i-g-h-t-s. 
Says Bates: "There ain't but one proper way 

to spell nights, 
And that ain't got no k into it." 
There wa'n't no book in the Library 
With the word spelt that way, so fur as he 

knew; 
But after she had went we looked it up 
In the dictionary, jest for fun. 
And b' gosh! the woman was right! 




C 40 ] 




UNCLE SID 

You could n't faze Uncle Sid. 
They tell this yarn 

On him : One day Hiram, Uncle Sid's hired 
man, 
Went out to the barn 
And hung himself to a beam. 

A neighbor found him, and ran 
In and told Uncle Sid. 

He jest shook his head 
And said, 
" Wall, wall, what '11 Hiram do next, I wonder ! '* 



(.^:^c< 




[ 41 ] 




• AUNT SPIDDY'S CONTRIVANCE 

You see that little porch, front of the brown 

house? 
We call that Aunt Spiddy's Contrivance. 
She kep' hens, and sold eggs. 
And the way she saved money was a caution. 

And with the hen-money 
She built that contraption. 

My! but Aunt Spiddy was funny; 
Her son and his folks come home one summer: 
The house was small and the weather was 

hot, 
And she wa'n't never strong, and she 
worked a lot. 
The day they left, I went in to borry an egg 
(We lived next door). 



[ 43 ] 



And I found her pourin' b'ilin' water on the 
kitchen floor, 
From the tea-kettle. 
"Fur the lan's sake, what be you doin' 
Aunt Spiddy?" says I. 

"You must be gittin' bhnd," says she, 
"If you can't see 
Plain facks; 
I 'm looking to it that there ain't nobody 
Left behint in these here cracks." 




[ 44 ] 




THE BLACK-LIST 

I 'VE jest seen Ed Buzzell's black-list. 
It's a caution to snakes! 

He keeps a list of all the folks to hate; 

Keeps it strictly up to date, 
'Cause he makes 
Changes from time to time, 
As 'casion warrants, and 
Won't trust his mem'ry. 

Now I 'm waitin' 
To see a white-list; 
But I guess folks don't keep 'em. 

Mebbe hatin' 
Comes more natchral. 




[ 45 ] 




IT TOOK THE TRICK 

Some folks thinks women ought to be allowed 
To go to town meetin' and vote, 
And then ag'in there's others that don't. 
I dunno, they tried it once here on the school 
question ; 
The women went up to register, all right 
Enough, but it seems the selectmen 
were n't quite 
Onto their job, and they would n't let 'em 

doit. 
They said they 'd be durned if they did n' 
see to it. 
So fur as they could, that the women-folk 

staid to hum, 
Where they belonged. I snum. 
But them women was mad! And they went to 

law; 
They sued the selectmen. 
And what's more they won their case, easy. 



[ 47 ] 



And the selectmen had to pay the fine 
For not follerin' the law. 

And not a man in town give a peep or a sign; 
They jest kep' mum. 
But come 
March meetin' they voted, to a man, 
To make the town pay back the fine. 
The joke 

Was, that the women-folk 
Was taxed 
On more 'n two-thirds the property in town. 

And it smarted some to be axed 
To add this fine to their reg'lar assessment. 
Anyway, the women squirmed; 
But you kin see it was all fair 
Enough, and square 
And above board. 

And the men did n't care 
If the women did kick; 
'Cause the men had the vote. 
And the vote took the trick. 
That time. 




[ 48 ] 




THE FOOL, THE VOICE, AND THE 
HOE 

Joe was dull, but his hoe was sharp, 
A blamed sight sharper 'n his wits. 
He was a cheap hand. 

Come from the poorhouse; screw loose some- 
where. 
He slashed the potatoes with his hoe. 
And sp'ilt 'em. 

"You had n't ought to have no potatoes 
to eat, 
Ef you can't hill 'em," 
Says the farmer, him he worked for, 
"And you shan't eat 'em nuther, 
Ef you can't larn to hill 'em." 



[ 49 ] 



"Hill 'em, hill 'em! 
Kill 'im, kill 'im!" 
The fool heard a voice say, all down the row. 
Afterwards he told us so. 
And the next time the farmer went by 
He done it — 

He up and slashed him, jest as he done the 
potatoes. 
His hoe was sharper 'n his wits 
And the doctor said he'd allers had fits. 
I dunno, mebbe he did. 




[ 50 ] 




FELT TO HUM 

Say, was you to the High School Graduatin' 
Supper 
Last night? 
Wall, I wisht you had been! 
There was some bright 
Speakers there, and the Upper 
Class was some class, too. 
But there's one thing's been botherin' me: 
There was a feller there, a big bug; 
And he said in his openin' remarks that he'd 

been livin' 
In one of them European countries, 
And he had n't felt rightly to hum 
Sence he come 
Back, till he got up here and met a feller 



[ 51 ] 



That give him a clip on the back, and says to 

him 
"You durned old skunk you, but I be glad to 

see you!" 
They laughed at that, the speaker crowd I 

mean, 
And I laughed too, but I dunno as I should uv 
If they had n't laughed first. 

It seems to me a natural thing to say, 
Considerin' that he had been away 

So long, and the other feller was glad to 

see him, too. 
How does it strike you? 



z:^^"^^^ 

-%'e^ 




ii li 




KEERLESS 

One day, 

Uncle Sid was way 

Off down in his mowin', in the South 
Medder, 
Turnin' the hay 

With that patent horse-tedder 
He had borried from the Jones boys, 
When there come up the tarnationist thun- 
derstorm 
I ever see in these parts. 
It struck his hen-house 
And tore off the clabboards. 
And ripped up the roof, and then took to a 
tree. 
You kin see to-day 
Where it splintered; 

And then it foUered down in a roundabout 
way, 



[ 53 ] 



And come out of the ground 
Half-way down a bank. 
It come out slick as a whistle, 

Leavin' a glassy hole as big as my arm. 
It might have done a sight of harm 
If it had come out, say in the house. 
And when he come home, he found 
His folks all of a twitter; 
Kind of histeriky, his wife was, 

(She was a nervous sort of a critter.) 
But he jest soused his face in the basin at the 

sink. 
While they was fussin' and then wiped it care- 
ful on the towel; 
Remarkin' in his delibrit way, 
"Kinder keerless, wa'n't it.^*" 




[ 54 ] 




MUSIC AND SCIENCE 

Gus Graves he moved away from here — 

Let me see — 

It must be. 
Wall, pretty nigh onto twenty year ago. 
Folks said he was in love with Nancy Blake, 

Her that was Nancy Munn; 
But they fell out 

At somethin' she had done. 

And he skittered — left, mad as a hornet; 
These Graveses was allers high-tempered. 

Anyhow he stayed away twenty years or so. 

But he come back a year ago, 
Jest to see her, and he found her bed-rid, 
And had been so for years and years; 
Had n't set up once for a meal or a cup of tea. 



[ 55 ] 



Did I tell you he useter play the cornet ? 
Wall, he did, and what do you think that feller 

done? 
Ef he did n't jest climb clean to the top of 

Fort Hill, 
And set there, and play his old tunes to her, 
Like he useter do. Gosh ! but it sounded sweet ! 
I'd give a dollar to hear it ag'in. 
It kinder floated down mysterious-like; 
The moon wa'n't full, but mighty pretty. 
And the mist riz up from the river 
And filled the valley. You could n't tell 
Where the sound come from. 

Did she die that night? Gosh-a-mighty, no! 
She 's better now 'n she 's ben for many a year. 
Gits out to meetin', and to Church Sociables, 
And all the other doin's. 

But if I was as sick as she would be, 
Ef it wa'n't for her religion, 
I 'd go to bed and stay there. 

She believes she was cured by some kind 

of science; 
But I could n't place no reliance 
On jest thinkin things is so, that ain't so. 



[ 56 ] 



But it is a durn 
Sight better 'n bein' sick, 
And it works in some cases. 

Like hern. 




[ 57 ] 




JEST SET 

'Lanson Smith married Almon Hubbel's half- 
sister 
Maria, the one Almon Hubbel's wife 
Said she didn't care if she never see ag'in. 
Maria was a dose, but she done her duty, 
Once she seen it. 

She was Orthodox to the core, 
And he was Unitarian, and rather sore 
On the subjec' 'cause he had turned coat 
the year before. 
Folks ast her where she'd worship now, 
Seein' she'd got married; 
And she said as how 
They 'd fixed it up that she 



Should go to his church, every other Sabbath, 

And on the off Sunday he 
Would go to hern. 
*'I shall worship,'''' says she, "in the Orthodox 

pew, 
And jest set in the Unitarian." 



'-'"^i 







[ 60 ] 




PREPAREDNESS 

Uncle Sid used to go to sleep 
On a glass of milk. 

And quarter of a mince pie. 
"Ain't it rather heavy, Uncle Sid?" says I. 

*'No," says he, "and it's a heap 
Better if you acidulate the milk 
With a leeile cider." 




[ 61 ] 




AIN'T THAT IS 

Old Mis' Hunt used to say. 

When folks ast her ef married or unmarried 

folks 
Was the happiest: "Wall, I guess 
There's more that is, that ain't, 
Than ain't, that is." 
I dunno; but I know that Mose Larkin 
Was 'bout the happiest feller I ever see — 

And he did n't never git married. 

He was sociable-like, too, and carried 
On a lot with the girls. 
He used to talk to himself 

All the way up the hill, 
When he was goin' home from the tannery. 

I kin hear him still, 
Sayin' over and over ag'in, like he was havin* 
A real good time: 



[ 63 ] 



*'Ef I had a wife, 

And her name was Sairy; 
And we had a darter, 

And her name was Mary; 
When I git home to-night, I 'd say, 'Sairy, 
where 's Mary?'" 
Folks laughed 

At him, and said he was daft. 
But I kinder ketched the idee. 
And b' gosh! I've said them words over so 
often to myself. 
That I'm most afraid folks '11 ketch me 
Some time, sayin' it out loud. 




[ 64 ] 



/ 










W»>-^.:...f, 










MERCY BUNTIN' 

Mercy Buntin' ain't exactly what you call 
flighty. 
But she certainly does say onexpected things, 
at times. 
She was mighty 
Low in her mind 

When her husband Hezekiah died, 
And says she, standin' by his coffin-side, 
**I snum, it don't seem to me 
As if I should ever git married ag'in!" 

Another time her sister died 

And I said to her, "Mercy, I'm afraid 

You 'U be 
Sorter lonesome now, all by yourself in the 
house." 



[ 65 ] 



**Y-e-e-s," says she, 
'But there'll be more closet-room." 
It was house-cleanin' time, though, 
And I ruther guess 
Women-folks is sorter demented 
At them times. 





INFIDELITY 

Zenas Woodard was an infidel. 

They was scarcer in them days, I reckon. 

Than they be now. 

Anyhow, 
He was quite a figger in town. 
Folks had n't any particular use for him. 
But they kep' a-borryin' his wheelbarrer 
Just the same, without askin'. 

Sometimes he got so r'iled 

He almost sp'iled 
To git back at 'em somehow. 
So he says to his wife one day, 
"Tirzah," says he. 



[ 67 ] 



**My wheelbarrer 's goin' to jine my church — 

Even if it leaves some folks in the lurch." 
Wall, he took and painted in big red letters, 

INFIDELITY 
Acrost the front. 

And afterwards he was mighty particular 
To leave the wheelbarrer 
Sign-end-to, in the shed, 
So'st folks could n't git misled. 
Sometimes he'd look at the letters 
Sorter contented-like, and say: 
**That wheelbarrer of mine seems 
To be gittin' quite a considerable spell of 
rest." 





mt> , — '^'\ 






THE PESSIMIST 
Hank Rice opines 

The town's goin' to the dawgs, 
Fast : nothin 's as it useter be. 

Women-folks is buyin' pork and lard 
'Cause it comes too hard 
On the men-folks to raise hawgs. 
He says there ain't a decent yoke 
Of oxen in the town. 
And as fer steers, 
Hank bets there ain't 

A pair been raised and broke 
For six or seven years. 
And I guess he 's about right, there. 

He spoke 
To Sim Tyler a while back. 
And ast him to break in a pair — 
Hank bein' down with a spell of rhumatiz. 
"Land alack, man!" says Sim, 
"There ain't a feller 
Fer ten miles round, that'd tackle that job.' 



[ 69 ] 



Hank was clean disgusted; 

He says the town will soon go busted 
At this rate. I could n't soothe him. 
"And," says he, gittin' solemn. 
And p'intin' his finger to Bald Hill, 
"You see that there mountain? 
Wall! That used to he 
The highest mountain in the hull county. 
Till some of them surveyin' fellers 
Come up from Boston 
And clum to the top of Catamount, 
And h'isted a flag up there. 
I declare for't," says he, "it hurt my feelin's! 
And I leave it to you 
If 't ain't a sin and a shame — 
Not a single decent yoke of oxen in the hull 

place, 
And every single house on the street 
Has got a dam' tumpty-tum-tum in the 



parlor 



t" 




[ ~o ] 




^ hj^^ 




CONSOLATION 

Last fall, 'Bijah Larkin was all-possessed 
To hear what folks up this way said when 

they heered 
He 'd got nominated f er the Legislature. He 
guessed 
Some on 'em would be much impressed. 

So he come meechin' 
'Round down to the tavern, late 
And early, talkin' politics, and lookin' big. 
And preachin' 
'Bout his duty to the state. 
But he did n't git much satisfaction out of us. 
Cause we boys had all agreed to keep mum. 
It come hard to some, 
Seein' as he wa'n't none too popular. 



[ 71 ] 



Finally he could n't stan' it no longer, so he 

took 
A chanst to sound Jake Baggs, 
When he druv him over to Baptist Four 

Corners. 
"By the way," says he, off-hand-like, 
"What did folks, up this way, say 'bout my 

nomination?" 
*'0h," says Jake, in a consolin' tone, shakin' 

his head slow, 
"They jest laughed, 'Bijah." 




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